Just for laughs

Just for laughs has a few pictures from the South African landscape; and a beauty from a America. Will he ever live it down?

This page was last updated by Bernard Preston on 21st April, 2021.

Special honey

As a writer myself, and a beekeeper, I just loved this short story by Geoff Elliot; he's given me permission to print it so you too can enjoy special honey, just for laughs, so to speak.

Colonoscopy

If you're ever threatened with a colonoscopy you might like to read moviprep Sebastian Vettel exhaust first; just for laughs, of course.

America's first female president?

Piet's scrotum

A minister asked if anyone in the church would like to give thanks for answered prayers.

Tina Cronje stood and walked to the lectern.  She said, "I have praise to offer."

"Two months ago, Piet, had a terrible cycling accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. He fell on the barrier rail and it split him open.

The pain was excruciating and his doctor didn't know if he could help him."

You could hear a audible gasp from the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Piet must have experienced.  "Piet was unable to hug me or hold the children," Tina went on, "and every breath caused him terrible pain."

"We prayed as the surgeon performed the operation; fortunately he was able to piece together the crushed remnants of of my husband's scrotum, and thread some steel wire around it to hold the bits in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the surgery performed on poor Piet.  "Now," she announced in a quivering voice,

"thanks be to God, Piet is out of the hospital and the doctor says that given time, his scrotum should recover completely." The congregation sighed with unified relief.

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to add.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the lectern. 
Taking Tina's arm he said with a grin, "I just want
to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

Getting drunk in public can get you into difficulties

Truman Capote penned this marvelous comeback whilst drinking one evening with friends in a Key West bar. Repartee at it's best is just for laughs!

At an adjacent table a couple were getting steadily inebriated.  When the woman recognized Truman she approached him and asked if he would autograph the menu for her. 

The woman's partner, in a display of drunken jealousy, staggered over to Capote's table, unzipped his pants, and in Truman's own words, "hauled out his equipment," bellowing, "Since you're autographing things, why don't you sign this?"  A hush fell over the room, allowing everybody in the bar to hear Capote's soft, high-pitched voice deliver a perfect emasculating reply:

  "I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I could initial it."

Visiting South Africa soon?

Make sure you hire a car with a SatNav. The signs are not so reliable, and not always where you would expect them.

Needing a new pair of false teeth?

Many things in South African are more expensive than the rest of the world, but where else can you possibly get a pair of custom-made false teeth for only $2?

Only one small problem. You may have to test several dozen pairs until you find the perfect fit.

South Africans are strong on original ideas. These have been recycled from Johannesburg's undertakers!

This is perfectly serious, and not just for laughs!

Bernard Preston

You won't spot any of Bernard Preston's six books in this pile; mostly they are in lighter vein and qualify as just for laughs.

Phew, that was close... just for laughs? I don't think so. I'll bet he case not dissimilar to my MoviPrep Sebastian Vettel Exhaust experience.

South Africans and Americans have amongst the worst driving records in the world. Read the stats at Whiplash. Is it the large distances between cities, are are we just impatient, bad drivers? In any event, we pay for it, one way or another, and it keeps us in business!

"Yet is every man his own greatest enemy,
   and as it were his own executioner."
         Thomas Browne

Whiplash leads invariably to immobilisation arthritis, in the neck primarily, if those spinal fixations aren't reduced after whiplash. The sensitive UncoVertebral Luschka joint in the lower cervical spine are particular vulnerable eventually pinching the nerve roots that pass immediately by and causing pain and tingling in arms and hands.

Just for laughs

Just for laughs and a beauty from America; a couple squeaky clean below the belt too. You'll find a lot of lighter moments in Bernard Preston's books.

Eyecharts

My latest visit to the optician was particularly frustrating... can't see a damn thing any more.

For heaven's sake, don't take him shopping

After his retirement, I insisted my husband accompany me on my trips to the mall. I thought it would keep him out of trouble!!  But I like to take my time shopping whilst, unfortunately, like most men, he found it boring.

Yesterday I received the following letter from our local shop.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past four months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you, in future.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7:  He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and said to her, in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.  This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor which in turn resulted in a Union Grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to buy a bag of M&Ms on credit.
August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15:  Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' resulting in EMTs being called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3:  Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sized funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here,' causing one of our staff to pass out.

 SEND HIM INSTEAD TO THE DAY CARE just for laughs.

NOT FOR LAUGHS

Post apartheid, post racism, rainbow nation advert...

SENIOR MANAGER GROUP TREASURY - Johannesburg

An excellent, urgent position has become available for a CA(SA) to join a major listed telecoms company as Senior Manager Group Treasury:

Ideally this person would be an AA* candidate (African, Coloured, Indian) but White Females will also be accepted (EE**)."

*AA - Affirmative Action

**EE - Empowerment Equity

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Newsletter

Our newsletter is entitled "create a cyan zone" at your home, preserving both yourself and Mother Earth for future generations; and the family too, of course. We promise not to spam you with daily emails promoting various products. You may get an occasional nudge to buy one of my books.

Here are the back issues.

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Said the one hat...


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. Said the one hat to the other, 'You stay here; just for laughs, I'll go on a head..'

STATINS, dangerous stuff!

• Foods that lower cholesterol ... safer than statins! The impotence of statins is no laughing matter.
  

After  retiring, I went to the SS office to apply  for Social Security. 

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. 

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at  home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go  home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.'  
 
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,  'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for  me,' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got  home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience  at the Social Security  office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have  gotten disability,  too.'  

Nice Bike

In our clinics there is often a lot of pain; just for laughs tries to lighten things up a bit. How's this for a custom made bike?

Definitely, just for laughs ...

Could a mishap on this dream machine cause a Tietze's Syndrome? You betcha! Direct trauma to the rib cage and breastbone by a steel Spinous Process could do some interesting things. Breastbone pain: Tietzes syndrome casefile ...

A dream machine

Enjoy the tenor of this site?

Two of my books are now available for only $2.99. Whilst allowing you the privilege of being a fly on the wall at the Clinic, learning how a DC can help your colicky kid, fix your painful coccyx, save you from a back operation... they are loaded with the hilarious and the tragic.

• The woman in acute pain who arrives on the arm of her lover. The parish priest. 
• A man who claims that treatment of his jaw joint has restored his hearing...
• This bishop's wife who falls pregnant after chiropractic care. At 49...
• The doctor who is harshly crictical of Bernie taking X-rays  until he decides to visit the clinic one day. A visit to the darkroom reveals an X-ray of a patient just interviewed - a vertebra in her neck destroyed by cancer shatters them both. 

Read them on your Kindle, Nook, tablet or smartphone.

And something more racy? Then the A Family Affair trilogy may be right up your street. And it might not, be warned! But for a measly 99c each, what do you have to lose?

Running late

Is your doctor always running late? Leave him or her message written in blood! Just for laughs.

Velly puny... Just for laughs

A manipulator in Egypt is known as a Cairopractor.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
 
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
 
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
 
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
 
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
 
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
 
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
 
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play
 
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
 
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
 
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
 
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
 
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
 
What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead give away.)
 
Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
 
In democracy your vote counts.  In feudalism your count votes.
 
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
 
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
 
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
 
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
 
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
 
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
 
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
 
Every calendar's days are numbered.
 
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
 
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
 
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
 
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
 
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
 
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
 
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
 
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Missing man found dead in shower

South African newspaper headline: Decomposing body found in hospital bathroom

Nov 29, 2009 11:05 PM | By Nkosana Lekotjolo

Itumeleng Motaung, who was admitted to George Stegman hospital in North West province, was found dead in the hospital bathroom more than two months after nurses reported him missing. Only in SA could that happen.

From the KERRYMAN

Just for laughs, the best Medicine, ... er, Chiropractic!

Well, this one isn't South African humour. It's even better! From the land of Murphy you'll love it. Dear Son, ... Laughs Kerryman ... Careful, you'll wet yourself!

• More best medicine ...
  

South Africans have become world innovators in Crime-Stop. This man thought a lion on the loose in his workshop overnight might discourage thieves ... just for laughs.

Enjoying a SWEET PEE can be problematic in the bushveld. She's got company....

The real McCoy
Having seen the King of the Jungle for real, though, as every South African has the privilege of seeing, thieves wouldn't be fooled for long. On a dark night, perhaps....? Definitely not just for laughs.

ZAPIRO, SOUTH AFRICAN genius supreme!

This is the most popular way of seeing South Africa ... just for laughs? Nope, dinkum.

The only problem is that they often don't have functional brakes and negotiating the steeper gradients can be tricky ...

Yum this looks delic.

This croc however found something rather more challenging than a wheelchair maniac racing towards him. After the mosquito (and man!) these are the probably the two most dangerous animals in Africa. This time the croc came off second best ...

But this... definitely not apt in just for laughs in croc world.

A familiar scene at the bottom of many a South African hill ...

Fortunately it's only a short distance to the Casualty at the nearest hospital ... just for laughs? No, this is for real.

And a South African street ... just for laughs.

The green journey

The green journey within begins with a healthy disgust for the way we live; how we drive, what we eat, and the plastic we are dumping in landfills and the sea.

It's a spiritual journey, the first inkling of how homeless we are beginning to feel as we face these insurmountable problems and, no matter how much we try, just for laughs feels hollow and thin.

It begins first perhaps with a hike in the mountains and finding a tissue or beercan, carelessly dumped; whilst having a profound influence on our environment, the green journey is in essence a voyage into the inner parts of the soul.

And what we expats remember best ... The Tooth.

GOVERNED, a knife edge

Most of the world is sick and tired of politicians and being over-governed. Oddly, South Africans long to be governed - it may be irksome, but it does provide for a certain happiness in contrast to the mayhem of our ungoverned state.

"To be governed is to be, at every operation, every
transaction, noted, counted, registered, taxed, stamped,
measured, numbered, assessed, licensed, authorized,
admonished, prevented, forbidden, reformed, corrected,  punished."

    - Pierre-Joseph Proudhon

Interesting links

• More from the Peanut Gallery ...
• Go from JUST FOR LAUGHS to BAPTISO TO IMMERSE ... one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life. A short story from Frog in my Throat. A hundred miles over uncompromising terrain in my ancient glider.

For those who dare... 8000 feet above sea level. Taken from the cockpit of my ancient Ka6 glider. Strong westerlies striking this outcrop produce powerful "ridge lift."

Did you find this page interesting? How about forwarding it to a friendly book or food junkie? Better still, a social media tick would help.

Address:

56 Groenekloof Rd,

Hilton, KZN

South Africa

Website:

https://www.bernard-preston.com

Create a Cyan Zone at your home; one which complements blue areas for longevity with green for protecting Mother Earth.